Some say I’m depressed. Maybe they’re right.
Years ago, I cut my wrist with a razor. 50 cuts? 75? I am not
sure. All I know is it was painful. I watched my blood fell from
the wound I made. That time it felt as if someone’s watching over me. But I didn't care.
Some of my friends who saw
me after I did it said that time I was already looking so pale and grey maybe
because of the amount of blood I lost during all that. With what I did, some of the people I knew made fun of me. Others became concerned. But nonetheless, really, I didn't care.
I remembered being sent to the guidance office to converse
with the school’s guidance counselor. When I was asked why I did it, I said I
don’t know. Not because I don’t want to talk about it, but because I really
don’t know the answer. I was hurt yes. I was deeply hurt by my life and by other
people around me. It made me hate them so much. That hate led me to hurt myself
instead.
Title: Ngiti sa Aking Labi (Smile on my Lips)
I wrote this song when I was so sad thinking so much of
how worse my life has become.
With the pain I had with my wounds, the lesser I feel the
pain in my heart. I was not happy. I felt empty.
After that attempt, I grew even worse. Whenever I feel
depressed, I would cut my hair, bruise myself and cut my
wrists again. For several times I hurt myself… again… and again… and again, to
the point where my body was slowly getting used to it.
Others would say I am psychologically unstable. Maybe
they’re right. I am not sure. All I know is that demons used to hunt me. I was
already at the verge of giving in and embrace that tragic truth. But God did
not let me. He did not let me get snatched from His hands totally.
It was then when God gave me visions. In my dreams I can see
His promises unfold in my eyes. It’s as if He’s telling me that it’s already
time to wake up after a very long sleep. Because of those dreams I felt as if
my life was unfolding—a huge change was happening. God revealed to me that time
was already running out. I have to be strong and have faith. Jesus is coming.
God used my depression and anxiety to draw me closer to Him
once again. But the love I have for Him right now is what makes me want to stay
in His presence until the end. Finally I can say I am happy now. Finally, I
feel loved.
In my darkest despair I realized, God has never left me. In
my worst moments, He was there all along. He has never forsaken me though I literally have turned my back on Him.
Right now, Jesus is the reason why I can sing love songs again. He
is the reason why I always feel safe and loved. He is the reason why I can smile
no matter what circumstances I am in. He is the reason why I am no longer
on the verge of sin but now under His comfort and peace. He made me better. He made me live again.
(All Glory and Honor to Him!)
